She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
