she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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