How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
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