maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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