do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
