Betty ford says i'm here all night
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Two words: nipple clamps
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