He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
