Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I wanna passion pit in your ass
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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