Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
