Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You pole danced in your parka.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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