Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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