I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The feeling are messing with the penis
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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