you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
