Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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