Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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