In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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