I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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