Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
