he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You don't make any sense
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