I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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