I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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