Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
