A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
