I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
