Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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