FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
