Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
