she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
