omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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