a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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