i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Mom said you looked used
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
