he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
even my farts smell like vagina
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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