i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
