i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
