I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
