cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
