The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just high enough for therapy.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
