My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
