Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
