I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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