tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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