So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
