So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
