So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
