tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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