Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
