He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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