I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
