She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
