how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
